Parenting

As a parent, you have the obligation to meet your child’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs (Hawkins et al. p.103). While every parent is different, and every child is different and requires specific needs, there are some basic parenting principles that can make for a peaceful, happy home. Children can grow up confident and loved, and parents can create a lasting relationship with their offspring that will bring joy not only in this life, but in the next.

Here is a list of “crucial elements” that are needed for children to grow up happy and well-adjusted:

·         Love, warmth, and support

·         Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior

·         Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise

·         Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits

·         Opportunities to perform competently and make choices

·         Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt

·         Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

(Hawkins et al. p.105)

The above list is taken from a style of parenting known as authoritative parenting (105). We will touch more on this preferred style of parenting, but first we should look at the other styles often exhibited by parents.

Coercive Parenting is described as “hostile,” and often seeks to “deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or psychologically controlling means” (105). This occurs when parents spank or yell excessively, and they criticize their children (105). This parenting style has absolutely been linked to all kind of negative effects on the children, including antisocial tendencies, withdrawn attitudes, and delinquent behavior (105). It also recycles—the children grow up thinking they get their way through force and cruelty (106).

“Psychologically controlling behaviors by parents communicate disinterest in what a child is saying; invalidate or discount a child’s feelings; attack the child in a condescending or patronizing way; and use guilt induction, love withdrawal, shaming, or erratic emotional behavior as means of control and manipulation” (106).

Please be so very careful with your little ones! Low withdrawal, especially, can be very harmful to a child’s self-esteem. Love withdrawal is when a parent refuses to speak to a child after they have done something wrong, or when a parent intentionally ignores a child’s needs (106).

There is some debate about whether or not spanking is abusive, but what we do know is that it is not as effective as some parents believe it to be (107). “Another body of sophisticated research supports the notion that even though limited spanking may immediately stop a child from misbehaving and willfully defying in the short term, it actually increases the likelihood of greater disobedience and antisocial behavior later on, and is also more likely to be done in anger” (107).
Although the debate over spanking will probably continue for some time, it is generally accepted that there are better means of disciplining a child than spanking (107).

Permissive Parenting is known most commonly as “spoiling” a child. It is “characterized by parents who overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices” (107). It is shirking your responsibility both when you overindulge and allow the child to have and do whatever makes them happy, as well as when you neglect a child and do not care for them at all. Both sides of the spectrum (neglectful being a slightly different category, but in the interest of simplicity has been added to permissive here) are destructive. 

Permissive parents are reluctant to wield their authority in any way, and the child is treated as an equal without an equal share of the responsibility (107).

“Social science research suggests that children raised by permissive parents may have greater difficulty respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans” (107).  While children of permissive parents do tend to do well socially, and are often less likely to be depressed, the experience higher rates of sexual activity, drug use, and misdemeanor.

Authoritative Parenting is the “optimal parenting style” (108). It finds a balance between discipline and respect, and fosters an emotional connection between parent and child (108). It provides regulation with a set standard of rules to follow and learn from, as well as allowing for a fair degree of autonomy (108). A very simple and easy way to look at authoritative parenting, since there is quite a lot involved in it, is with three aspects: love, limits, and latitude (108).

Love might seem like a no-brainer, but it is first because it is most important. Brigham Young once said, “Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward them will bind our children to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness with drive them from us.”

For fathers:

“Fathers, be kind to your children. Be companionable with them” (108).
--Gordon B. Hinckley

“The teaching and governance of the family must not be left to [a man’s] wife alone, to society, to school, or even to the Church” (140).
--Howard W. Hunter

Fathers, you do make a difference. The reason that mothers and fathers are both vital to a family unit, is because they both add something unique and essential to the parenting of children. Fathers, you are the stewards of the family, and have been charged with protecting and guiding your families though your own specific wisdom (141). You are to be a partner to your wife, equal, and therefore equally responsible for the rearing of your children (142).

“Howard W. Hunter advised that fathers should ‘earn the respect and confidence of [their] children through [their] loving relationship with them,’ and suggested also that fathers should give children ‘time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities’ and provide ‘tender expressions of love and affection toward children’” (143).

“A careful review of the research literature on father absence indicates that, in general, children and youth who do not experience the benefits of a father’s presence and engagement are likely to score lower on measures of academic achievement and more likely to drop out of school and to display behavioral problems. In addition, such children are more likely to use illegal substances, become sexually active at a younger age, experience psychological health difficulties in adulthood, and struggle with satisfaction and permanence in their own adult relationships” (145).

For mothers:

“Mothers must not fall into the trap of believing that “quality” time can replace “quantity” time. Quality is a direct function of quantity—and mothers, to nurture their children properly, must provide both. To do so requires constant vigilance and a constant juggling of competing demands. It is hard work, no doubt about it” (109).
--M. Russell Ballard

“Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world” (131).
--David O. McKay

Mothers, your love and attention to your children will be invaluable to them. A lack of care from you could result in a difficulty with empathy, tumultuous relationships, and antisocial tendencies from your children (132). Know each of your children as individuals, and know that each relationship with that child is special and unique:

“I like the way a Wintu [tribe] in reference to his mother will say, ‘she-whom-I-made-into-mother,’ even though he is the fourth child. I like it because it gives recognition to the fact that this is not a repetition of the same event. A new mother has been born, mother-to-this-child, and a new relationship of motherness has come into being. When this is recognized, the mother is helped to sense the particularity of her child, and the peculiar flavor, the peculiar quality of the relationship that she can have with each child” (132).
--Dorothy Lee, anthropologist

The next part of authoritative parenting, limits, is also known as regulation or rules (109). “In all cases, discipline or correction should be motivated by a sincere interest in teaching children correct principles rather than merely to exert control, exercise dominion, or vent anger” (109). It is important to be very clear about the established rules in your home, as well as the consequence if those rules are broken (109). Then, it is all about consistency. There can be no respect for a parent who says one thing and does another, or who promises something and does not follow through with it. Don’t make a threat unless you intend to carry it out!
            For that matter, avoid making threats at all. A good technique for setting limits is to make the child aware that they are in control of their own actions. You could tell them, “If you don’t get off the table I am going to put you in time out!” However, look closely at that statement. Children are very perceptive, and what they will get from that is, “If I do this, then mom makes me do that.” If you were to word it as a choice, that might change. “You can choose to get off the table, or you can choose to go sit in time out. Which will it be?” With the second approach, you are handing the power to the child. They know that their decision is theirs, and the decision to take the consequence is theirs as well. You as a parent enforce it, but they become aware that they put themselves there through their actions.

            Also remember to be realistic about your rules. There are some rules that will be different for each child, and some that apply universally. Be fair and use good judgment.

            When deciding on punishments or consequences, this is my rule of thumb: Never punish out of anger. Set up a punishment ahead of time, and make sure the child is aware of it. The one warning system, where you warn them once, stating the consequence if they do it again, is often effective. Whatever you decide to do, do not do it based off your own anger. If you feel overwhelmed and upset with your child, then take a step back and maybe even a parent time-out. This helps to calm you and think rationally about the best course of action. It is important to exact consequences immediately after a child has done something wrong, but it is more important for you to be in control.

            Latitude is also known as autonomy or freedom to choose. “Children benefit from being given choices and appropriate levels of latitude to make their own decisions in a variety of domains” (112). As described before, it helps children to understand that their choices have consequences. They learn to do the right thing for the right reasons, rather than a fear that you will punish them. Give them some room to make small choices as long as it will not harm them in any way.

            Moms and Dads, you have the most influence over your child. “…studies have shown that while peers have influence, they seem to matter more in superficial aspects of behavior like hair and clothing styles, the use of slang, and transient day-to-day behaviors, all of which can shift frequently with changes in friendships. Parents are more likely to have influence on core values that are reflected in religiosity, political persuasion, and educational plans, to name a few” (114).

“Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life’s most satisfying compensation” (115)
--Gordon B. Hinckley