- Why Marriage?
- Marital Happiness
- Conflict in Marriage
- Infidelity
- Divorce
Why Marriage?
There seems to be a prevailing theory that committed
relationships are just as good as being married, and that marriage is simply a
piece of paper. For many, marriage is a religious institution, and holds
spiritual value in their lives. For those who do not believe in marriage as a
religious institution, the question is asked, “Why get married?”
The reason couples should get married is because research
has shown, in many different ways, that marriage gives couples a better quality
of life (Hawkins et al. p. 71).
For one thing, couples are physically healthier when they
are married (71). “They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their
health benefits persist even when factors such as race, income, and health
status prior to marriage are taken into account” (71).
And check out these other facts and statistics taken from
the text Successful Marriages and
Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives:
“Married people are generally happier, the studies find,
with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic
stability, all contributing to better mental health” (71).
“…when young adults marry, they experience an immediate
reduction in depressive symptoms, and higher life satisfaction levels hold true
for the married across incomes, ethnic groups, and gender” (71-72).
“Married couples, even those with lower incomes, report
greater financial security and, as a result, have greater access to better
housing, food, and services like health care than the never-married, divorced,
or widowed” (73).
“Economists have postulated that much of the financial
instability of minorities living in poverty can be attributed to low levels of
marriage and high levels of cohabitation and children born to unmarried mothers”
(73).
All those facts make marriage look pretty good—and that’s
because it is! But for those who think cohabiting is the same as marriage,
think again. There have been quite a few studies done on cohabiting versus
marriage, and in one specific study that compared 17 nations and the strengths
of marriage in each, it was shown that cohabiting is not at all equal to
marriage (73-74). “Living together not only failed to compensate for marriage,
but was also associated with decreased
chances of happiness, health, and financial security” (74).
In addition to that, couples who cohabitate before they are
married actually have higher divorce rates and lower marital happiness overall
(75).
“They report more negative communication in their marriages
and have lower levels of marital satisfaction than married couples who did not
live together. Infidelity is more common among marriages preceded by
cohabitation, and physical aggression is also more common” (75).
There are varying opinions about why this is, but in the
many studies done on this subject, the prevailing opinion is that you are
better off not living together before
getting married (75). One reason might be a mindset these particular
individuals are predisposed to—that is the thought that if it doesn’t work out
they still have a way to leave the relationship (75). That kind of mindset may
just be the reason those relationships don’t work out, even after they get
married. Another reason is because cohabiting individuals often tie their lives
together before they have fully committed in their minds and hearts to do so
(76). “Shared cars, homes, times spent living together, and even children born
to the union contribute to a sense of inevitability” (76). It is possible that
these couples just fall into a marriage without stopping to think about if they
are ready or even want to do it. That is why it is better to date, live apart,
and have the real desire to start a life together, under one roof, and as one
family after a marriage.
It should be noted that couples who are engaged before
moving in together do not experience the same risks that cohabiting couples do
(76).
Marital Happiness:
The first step in building a solid foundation for a family
through your marriage is to commit to it. This may seem obvious, but there are
two types of commitment, according to marriage scholar Scott Stanley, that you
should pay attention to:
1.
Constraint Commitment—Think of this as the
practical side of commitment. You stay with your spouse because divorce is
expensive, because you worry what people might think, or because you worry
about your children (Hawkins et al. p.29).
2.
Personal Dedication—This is the heart of your
commitment. “This involves a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one’s
life around the companion spouse; it also means a willingness to change any and
all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship” (29). This commitment, in essence, is because you
love your spouse.
The next step is to nurture the love and friendship between
you and your spouse.
“Love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a
feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened
by habit…They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they
do not like each other…It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run:
being in love was the explosion that started it” (Lewis p.99).
Be friends with your spouse. Care about the ups and downs of
their life and emotions, and express your own thoughts freely. Here are some
suggestions for fostering this friendship within your marriage:
1.
When your spouse makes a “bid for attention,”
such as telling you about their day, lightly touching your hand, or any kind of
expression that might say, “I want to connect with you!” then respond to it
(Hawkins et al. p.31). Give them a hug, invite them to express their thoughts,
or just commiserate and empathize (31).
2.
“Make an effort to do everyday activities
together, such as reading the mail or making the bed” (31).
3.
Talk at the end of the day (31). Relieve stress
by having a meaningful conversation about each of your days, hitting on the
high points and the low points, and then inviting your spouse to respond (31).
4.
Do something every day that communicates your
love for your spouse (31). This could be a note in their lunch, a phone call
just so say you were thinking about them, or a kiss and the
never-too-frequently said, “I love you.”
A “withdrawal” is something you take away from the relationship. A withdrawal tears down, drains and depletes the “account.” Again, it may be small like: harsh and hurtful words, rudeness, lack of consideration of the other person’s feelings and desires; always wanting your way, etc.
Someone said that it takes five deposits to make up for one withdrawal. In other words, a relationship needs more “adding to” than “taking from” in order to be healthy” (Trusler).
The concept that you should add more than you take is applied to the smallest of situations. In order for a marriage to remain positive, your interactions should be positive with your spouse whenever possible. John Gottman is a leading expert in marriage studies, and according to his studies, there should be a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative (Hawkins et al. p.32). “The researchers discovered that for couples in stable marriages, the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict situations was at least 5 to 1, whereas in couples headed for divorce, the ratio was only 0.8 to 1” (32).
If you want your marriage to stay positive, make sure for every negative thing said, there are five positive things to replace it:
5:1
Jay Trachman once said, “The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same formula for living in California: when you find a fault, don’t dwell on it” (32).
Another concept worth noting is that of equality in marriage. Men and women
are different inherently, but they are made to be equal in their marriages.
That does not mean that men and women have to be the same, though. “Equality is all too often used to mean ‘identity’;
that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other” (38). Men and
women each offer individual strengths to a marriage, and it is to the benefit
of both to see those differences.“Research has demonstrated that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better-functioning children” (43).
Conflict in Marriage:
Following the steps to a happy marriage may help prevent many conflicts that might arise in marriage. However, conflict is a part of life. There are many couples who blame conflict for “messing up” their lives, and say that things will get better if they can just get “back to normal”, inferring, of course, that harmony is normal and conflict is not (Wilmot & Hocker p. 37). The truth of the matter is that conflict is the norm, and we should expect it to happen; it’s inevitable (37).
The success of a marriage is not based on whether or not a couple argues, but on how they address conflict (Gottman 26).
When entering a conflict with your spouse, the first thing to do is watch your startup (27). Look at this example of a harsh startup:
How would you react to something like that? Now look at this softer startup to the conflict:
Francine: Hey, honey. I noticed that you forgot to rinse off your dishes in the sink. Would you mind doing that so it’s easier for me when I do the dishes later?
That second one is much nicer. Gottman goes on to say that there are four negative interactions that couples commonly do that are so toxic, he has named them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (27). Knowing these will help with startups and encountering the inevitable conflicts of marriage.
1.
Criticism:
As Gottman points out, there are always going to be things about our spouse
that drive us up the wall (27). It’s perfectly normal to make a complaint, but a
criticism will slowly poison the relationship if allowed to continue (27). The
difference is in what is addressed. A complaint targets some sort of action,
whereas criticism attacks the other person’s actual character (27). In the
example of the dishes, the first, harsher startup was one that was critical.
Francine said Gerald was “disgusting.” In the second, she addressed the action
only, and did not attribute anything to Gerald’s overall character. Gottman
says, “A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante
by throwing in blame and general character assassination. Here’s a recipe: To
turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite line: ‘What is wrong
with you?’” (28).
2.
Contempt: Some
types of contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling,
sneering, mockery, and hostile humor (29). “In whatever form, contempt—the worst
of the four horsemen—is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust”
(29). Had Gerald responded to Francine’s harsh startup, it might have sounded something
like this: “Oh, I’m sorry, who made you the queen of cleanliness? Because I’m
pretty sure it wasn’t the bathroom counter covered in the mess you left this
morning, or the pile of dirty laundry you never washed.” Gerald is trying to
demean his wife by making himself the higher moral authority—his only purpose
is to put her down (29). A relationship cannot thrive off of such negativity.
3.
Defensiveness:
After Gerald’s contemptuous response, it would only be natural for Francine to
try and defend herself. However, as Gottman points out, “…research shows that
[defensiveness] rarely has the desired effect…This is because defensiveness is
really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem
isn’t me, it’s you’” (31-32). Let’s use a response from Francine as an example. “I
left all my makeup on the counter because I was in a rush for work!” It’s not
very likely that Gerald would calm down and say, “Oh, you’re right. That makes
sense.” It is much more likely that Francine’s defense of her position, and her
attempt to regain her moral “high ground,” would only escalate this encounter.
4.
Stonewalling:
After all the criticism, contempt, and defensive remarks, eventually someone is
going to emotionally shut down (33). “During a typical conversation between two
young people, the listener gives all kinds of cues to the speaker that he’s
paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, say something like “Yeah”
or “Uh-huh.” But a stonewaller doesn’t give you this sort of casual feedback.
He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound” (33). This is something
that tends to happen later in the relationship after the other three horsemen
have begun to take their toll (33). Here is the interaction between Francine
and Gerald laid out with all the horsemen:
Francine: Gerald, how many times have I told you
to rinse off your dishes instead of just sticking them in the sink? You make
such a mess—it’s disgusting! (criticism)
Gerald: Oh, I’m sorry, who made you the queen of
cleanliness? Because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the bathroom counter covered in
the mess you left this morning, or the pile of dirty laundry you never washed.
(contempt)
Francine: I left all my makeup on the counter
because I was in a rush for work! (defensiveness).
Not that you would ever see how hard I work—you just sit on the couch and let
me do all the chores after work, and you can’t even rinse a freaking dish. (criticism).
Gerald: I do chores all the time! (defensiveness) You just can’t stand the
idea that we’re equals in this relationship. (criticism). But whatever, Francine, I’ll wash the stupid dish and
maybe I’ll get some peace and quiet around here. (contempt)
Francine: What is your problem? All I’m trying to
say is that you should watch less TV and help me out more. (criticism). Can you or can you not do
that? (contempt)
Gerald ignores Francine and continues to watch TV.
Francine: Hello? Are you even listening to me? (contempt)
And on and on the cycle goes. The trick to
avoiding these types of scenarios starts, as Gottman suggested, with the soft
startup (27). When we focus on the problem instead of the people, these types
of conversations on conflict go much differently. Let’s see how this might have
happened if Francine and Gerald had avoided the four horsemen, used “I”
language, and used descriptive language to lay out their concerns.
Francine: Hey, honey. I noticed that you forgot to
rinse off your dishes in the sink. Would you mind doing that so it’s easier for
me when I do the dishes later?
Gerald: Oh, sorry, sure.
Francine: I have been feeling like our chore
workload isn’t very equal. I’m stressed out about all the housework.
Gerald: Yeah, I’ve noticed that a dirty house
makes you unhappy. There’s a game on right now that I’m really interested in,
so how about I do the dishes tonight after the game is over?
Francine: Okay, thanks. Can we talk later about
dividing the chores a little better, too?
Gerald: Sure. I don’t mind helping; it’s just that
you have a particular way you like things, and I’m always reluctant to mess something
up.
Francine: I do get a little controlling over some
things, it’s true. If we lay it out, will that help?
Gerald: Yes, I think that sounds good.
Worth noting in this section is a common problem
that creates conflict for couples: sex. “No other area of a couple’s life
offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex” (200).
“In the United States, a good marital sexual
relationship accounts for about 15 to 20 percent of the differences in marital
satisfaction for both husbands and wives. However, a poor or nonexistent
marital sexual relationship plays an inordinately powerful role, accounting for
50 to 70 percent of the differences in marital satisfaction between husbands
and wives” (Hawkins et al. p.52).
Translation: Sexual satisfaction is a big deal.
One way to approach the very delicate conflict of
one spouse wanting sex more than the other is the “good enough sex” approach
(53). “The central aim of the ‘good enough sex’ approach for marriage is that
husband and wife become emotionally close, erotic friends, who can accept
marital sexuality as a variable and flexible experience and not be anxious when
sexual interaction does not flow to intercourse. In this approach, desire and
satisfaction are far more important than arousal and orgasm” (53).
I feel that last part should be bolded for
emphasis: “…desire and satisfaction are far
more important than arousal and orgasm.”
Having realistic expectations about your sexual
relationship might help with any conflict over this issue. To ensure that there
is not a high-desire partner versus the low-desire partner, both man and woman
should make the time to engage their partner in sexual activity (54). As stated
before, this does not always have to lead to sex, but the act of being
physically close to one another will foster unity and self-confidence on the
part of your partner.
Infidelity
The good news about infidelity is that the rates are much lower than the
media might portray (Hawkins et al. p. 59). In 2000, about 21 percent of
married men and 14 percent of married women reported being unfaithful to their spouse at some
point (59). Divorce
When do you call it quits?
First, let’s look at a few statistics about divorce:
First marriages have about a 40-50% rate of divorce in the United States of America (Hawkins et al. p.79). Second marriages? About 60% (79).
Children of divorce have about twice the risk of varying social and emotional issues (79). Later on in life, they are more likely to experience financial hardships (79). They are “less likely to graduate from high school, go to college, or graduate from college once they start…They are are at greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy. And they are much more likely to experience a divorce when they marry” (79).
“The first five years of a marriage are the years with the highest risk of divorce” (82).
With all those statistics in mind, it may be hard to come to a decision regarding when divorce is or is not the best course of action. The first thing to do when facing this crossroads is to give it some time. There is some research that many divorced couples, 75% in fact, report at least one partner having regrets about their divorce (82). In hindsight, sometimes problems are not as big as we think they are. So that is the first thing a couple can do when divorce seems to be their only alternative: take a breath. Step away. Think long and hard about it.
The next thing to do is try to solve the problem (82). Not many couples think to go to counseling before just divorcing—only about 30 percent of couples in the U.S. make a concerted effort to solve the hard problems (83). One study found that “80 percent of couples may see improvement in their relationship after visiting a marriage counselor” (83).
If there are children involved, it is especially recommended that a couple do everything in their power to work on their communication and resolve their conflicts. However, if there is high conflict, as in shouting, abuse, and visible hatred, it is actually in the best interest of the child if the parents split (84). If a couple cannot overcome their differences, then it would be best to remove children from a toxic environment. That does not mean that the risks for children of divorce listed above go away: on the contrary they are as at risk as ever. That is why avoiding high conflict situations in the first place is what is truly best for children.
Also of note is the fact that divorce is not a cure-all for depression or unhappiness in life: “…those who were unhappy in their marriage and divorced did not end up having greater emotional well-being a few years down the road compared to unhappily married individuals who stayed together” (84).
So we come back to the same question: when is a divorce the best course of action?
I believe that when a person’s dignity and well-being have been severely compromised, and their spouse emotionally, mentally, or certainly physically abuses them, then divorce is the best course of action. There is a three step test, loosely outlined above, that might help when decided if divorce is right for a family:
1.
After a prolonged period of time
2.
With issues that absolutely cannot be resolved, and
makes the relationship irredeemable
3.
And is destructive to a person’s dignity as a human
being (80).
Each of those can mean different things for every couple, but in general, those are safe guidelines to determine if a couple should divorce.
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